D/s has suffered and lost in the face of real life, stress, kids, work, and more. There isn’t enough time in the day to do everything we need to do, which leaves no time for us and D/s. One of us is always tired, sick, or taking care of the kids.
This round of suffering and giving up follows after the recent election. Each time we try to get back on track and revive the D/s, only to let it fall flat. The first few days are great, leading into days where nothing is done, and both of us think the other is not trying and doesn’t care.
Each time it starts with en event or stress. This time, it was the presidential election. MS was talking to our daughters about Trump and the opinions he has voiced regarding women. She told me that right now, in this environment, she has to be strong, and she didn’t think D/s would fit with that. She asked me for time to think about it. I agreed, like I always do, and gave her time to contemplate it. We grew apart while I was waiting for her to decide, and now it has gotten to the point where the (non-D/s) relationship isn’t as it should be, and walls have gone up. Walls have gone up on both sides. I want and need her as my sub, but it is always her choice. I am hurt when she withdraws her submission for whatever the reason of the day is, and it is hard to trust her when she says she wants it back later. In my view, she has given it up many times for many reasons. If we get back into it, what’s to stop her from doing this all over again and hurting me again? When it is gone it is a void, and I have a hard time connecting and allowing myself to hope for anything. Once it is given up, I don’t have the Dom status to continue the D/s. I can’t maintain the relationship alone, and that’s what it feels like I am trying to do in these D/s valleys.
Our walls and responses manifest differently. MS starts to do bratty and mean things to try to get a reaction, then says “we’re not doing D/s, so who cares, what are you going to do about it?” It is accompanied by a refusal to communicate, and a lack of intimacy and physical contact.
I shut down, ignore things she does to annoy me, and lose my desire for intimacy.
Both of our reactions together make life miserable, and we usually try D/s again, eventually. It is accompanied by hesitancy on both sides. “What if the other messes this up again? Where is the leadership? Where is the submission? Why should we try again when it has failed so many times and I will be hurt again when it fails again?”
This pattern leads me to a conclusion. I need the D/s. MS needs the D/s. We keep coming back to it, and it makes us happy and fulfills needs. As her Dom, I need to reject any half assed “break to think” from D/s, and push through. I need to maintain it and keep her along with me on the right path. I know she needs it, and I will care for her by providing it even when she has doubts. I will provide the leadership and structure she needs to submit.