We made Christmas cookies today.
Couldn’t help it:
We are slowly getting back into our routine. Christmas was busy and after Christmas was as well.
Last night I came to the bedroom to find my pajamas, water, and a nice candle waiting for me. I knew MS was thinking of me and made an effort to please me. I changed and came to bed happy and warm.
This morning I found my toiletries set out for me in the bathroom, along with a new type of flossing device to use. Again I saw the effort MS put into it and taking care of my needs. (I found out it was intended for last night, but I didn’t see it in the dark. It still made me happy.)
MS: I wanted to say thank you and I see and appreciate the effort you are making. It makes my life easier, and I can spend more time with you. I Love You. -MD
D/s has suffered and lost in the face of real life, stress, kids, work, and more. There isn’t enough time in the day to do everything we need to do, which leaves no time for us and D/s. One of us is always tired, sick, or taking care of the kids.
This round of suffering and giving up follows after the recent election. Each time we try to get back on track and revive the D/s, only to let it fall flat. The first few days are great, leading into days where nothing is done, and both of us think the other is not trying and doesn’t care.
Each time it starts with en event or stress. This time, it was the presidential election. MS was talking to our daughters about Trump and the opinions he has voiced regarding women. She told me that right now, in this environment, she has to be strong, and she didn’t think D/s would fit with that. She asked me for time to think about it. I agreed, like I always do, and gave her time to contemplate it. We grew apart while I was waiting for her to decide, and now it has gotten to the point where the (non-D/s) relationship isn’t as it should be, and walls have gone up. Walls have gone up on both sides. I want and need her as my sub, but it is always her choice. I am hurt when she withdraws her submission for whatever the reason of the day is, and it is hard to trust her when she says she wants it back later. In my view, she has given it up many times for many reasons. If we get back into it, what’s to stop her from doing this all over again and hurting me again? When it is gone it is a void, and I have a hard time connecting and allowing myself to hope for anything. Once it is given up, I don’t have the Dom status to continue the D/s. I can’t maintain the relationship alone, and that’s what it feels like I am trying to do in these D/s valleys.
Our walls and responses manifest differently. MS starts to do bratty and mean things to try to get a reaction, then says “we’re not doing D/s, so who cares, what are you going to do about it?” It is accompanied by a refusal to communicate, and a lack of intimacy and physical contact.
I shut down, ignore things she does to annoy me, and lose my desire for intimacy.
Both of our reactions together make life miserable, and we usually try D/s again, eventually. It is accompanied by hesitancy on both sides. “What if the other messes this up again? Where is the leadership? Where is the submission? Why should we try again when it has failed so many times and I will be hurt again when it fails again?”
This pattern leads me to a conclusion. I need the D/s. MS needs the D/s. We keep coming back to it, and it makes us happy and fulfills needs. As her Dom, I need to reject any half assed “break to think” from D/s, and push through. I need to maintain it and keep her along with me on the right path. I know she needs it, and I will care for her by providing it even when she has doubts. I will provide the leadership and structure she needs to submit.
I have recently discussed protocol with MS, and one interesting item came up. One of the protocols is to use “Sir” when alone. She mentioned that it is very difficult for her to remember to use it while in Attorney Mode, which is when she is discussing work or doing work. I agreed to suspend that protocol during those times, as it has been impossible to maintain it while in attorney mode. She is still expected to use “Sir” at other times though.
Readers, I ask your thoughts on this.
What do you do when your sub is being horrible, using bad words, and talking back?
If she is sick while doing the above what do you do?
I tried to bring her back where she should be, but I ended up needing to paddle her bottom anyway.
After some down time it was much better.
I think cookies later also helped.
When one thinks of service in D/s, usually a picture of the sub serving the Dom comes to mind. The sub may cook, clean, do laundry, prepare clothes for the day, etc.
Sometimes it works the other way. Despite the assumed standard, a Dom can serve the sub to make her life easier. Recently MS has been stressed and overworked. It took time and energy away from D/s. After discussion, I decided that increasing my part of the chores would help her reduce stress and give her more time to focus on us and D/s. I am doing it to help her and our relationship. It doesn’t make me any less of a Dom, as I am taking care of her, just in a non-traditional way compared to the classic views of D/s.