D/s Returns

This post is related to MS’s post Here.

We signed our new contract last night. We had decided that an excel sheet listing rules and annotations to those rules just wasn’t how we wanted to detail and describe our D/s. We wrote up a new set of rules, responsibilities, and rituals in a nicer format, and edited them together. It was nice to work on them together and come up with what we wanted our D/s to be.

With the contract signed, the rules and rituals were officially back in effect (previously suspended during pregnancy and recovery for MS). We were both anticipating what that night would bring.

I looked through the toy bag for some choices, and got out a few items, including her collar. I wasn’t sure what I wanted yet, but the toys I had were a good start. I even got out all of the spanking implements, since I know she likes a good spanking.

Around bedtime our baby started to cry, so I went to take care of her.

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When I returned, MS was kneeling for me (one of our rituals, and something she hasn’t done for a long time due to pregnancy). It was wonderful. Just seeing her kneel and wait for me made me ecstatic. All of the play possibilities flew out of my head and I knew what I wanted to do. I went to where the toys were waiting in the closet, brought only the collar, and put it on her. I touched her and massaged her while sitting behind her, and asked her to come to bed. We went to bed I held her while we slept. Luckily the kids slept too, so we were able to wake up in the morning without interruption, and I felt happy and content. After I woke up to walk the dog, I removed MS’ collar (so the kids won’t see it), finished getting ready, and headed to work. All feels right again. Thank You MS.

p.s. I am looking forward to the below ideas soon:

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(Found them all on pinterest. Credit to respective owners, if any.)

Same Sex Marriage

A victory today for same sex couples:

The Obergefell case has been decided by the Supreme Court, who held that states are required to allow same sex marriage, as well as recognize such marriages from other states.

“Held: The Fourteenth Amendment requires a State to license a marriage between two people of the same sex and to recognize a marriage between two people of the same sex when their marriage was lawfully licensed and performed out-of-State.”
“It is now clear that the challenged laws burden the liberty of same-sex couples, and it must be further acknowledged that they abridge central precepts of equality . . . Especially against a long history of disapproval of their relationships, this denial to same-sex couples of the right to marry works a grave and continuing harm. The imposition of this disability on gays and lesbians serves to disrespect and subordinate them. And the Equal Protection Clause, like the Due Process Clause, prohibits this unjustified infringement of the fundamental right to marry.”

Opinion Here

Rules, Punishment, and Negotiation

This post is a companion to This one by my Wife/Sub on re-negotiation of rules.

We have both been thinking about the rules we have in our D/s relationship, and how they can be updated/improved. When we came up with them, we did so over Skype chat, then saved the basic rules as s simple list. I put them in an excel sheet, and they have just sat there ever since. After applying the rules several times to actions and transgressions, along with accompanying punishments, we sat down to clarify the rules.

I should note that we are both lawyers, and our lawyerly thinking and adversarial processes come in to play in just about everything. We like it that way. Unfortunately, it appears that D/s and trying to “lawyer” the existing rules creates a conflict. Lawyers look for loopholes, mitigating factors, and generally want to argue their side. In D/s there is opportunity to make a case or ask for explanation in downtime, but not to argue with every perceived rule violation.

Clarifying the rules wasn’t much prettier. We sat down and added notes to the excel sheet next to each rule, giving clarifications to the rules as well as examples. We both used our lawyer skills to think of loopholes to close and examples to use.

Looking back at that, we should have left most of the lawyer skills out of the negotiation, and just used our relationship and D/s. But we can always renegotiate and fix a set of rules or a contract for ourselves. It is never too late to figure out what we really want, and how to do it. “Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late.” Justice Felix Frankfurter. (I just had to quote Justice Frankfurter.)

Rules and Contracts in D/S aren’t really the same type of contract that we see in law. While they may have the same form, or read similarly, a contract in the D/s contract is not enforceable in law. Instead, a D/s contract serves to clarify to the parties what the desired framework of their D/s is expected to be, to provide consent and guidelines for specific types of play, and to give notice to the other party what the first party wants out of the relationship (and vice versa). It can be something like “s shall prepare dinner by 6:30” and “D shall make time for and plan 2 dates per month”, or it can show limits like “D may spank s with hand, belt, crop, paddle, but not cane”, or “yes to spanking, no to watersports”.

When we re-visit the rules and write a new “contract” (or whatever form it is),we have to keep in mind that we are doing this for D/s, and not for contracts class as a 1L. Likewise, when applying rules and punishment to a perceived breach, it needs to be our relationship and D/s standing at the forefront, and not our lawyer skills trying to interpret, argue, and find loopholes in something we both know we wanted and agreed to. If we leave the lawyer parts out of that, we still have the normal D/s fallbacks of downtime and safeword.

It also helped us to think of what the lawyering in D/s does. It detracts from the D/s. If we are lawyering it, is there really submission? Sometimes I felt that if she is arguing the point at every turn, is she really submitting, or just playing a kinky role for her benefit? We talked about that point, and I believe we have an understanding that for the D/s to really happen, we need to leave many of our lawyer skills at the door. Since we are D/s in the bedroom only (mostly), this should be easier than if we were 24/7 or TPE like others are.

I’m sure we will put together a new contract or set of rules using our legal writing skills, while trying to make sure there are no loopholes, but for all of it to work we have to keep in mind that D/s is not an adversarial process like legal contract drafting and negotiation are. We are after the same thing, and we just have to decide what to write. After that, we need to use the contract in the spirit of our D/s, and not pick it apart for the language and interpretation of a law school contracts class.

I didn’t really talk about punishment much in this post. I know that I have to figure out what some more real punishments are for her. One of the first ones I tried was a caning, but she liked it and asked for more, so I can’t use it as a punishment. I have found a few useful ones, but need to find others to fit the rules after we amend the current ones. It is an ongoing learning process.

Today’s Mystery

Sometimes I like to give a clue or hint at something to see if MS will be able to guess what I am referencing. I tend to do this more for gifts, but today I gave her one for something on my D/s toy wishlist.

The clue was: I found something on etsy that solves a problem we have: lack of a hardpoint.

I used the specialized term hardpoint to see if she knows what that is. Kind of a knowledge test. I know that if she doesn’t recognize the term, she will look it up and learn about it. If she already knows, she has researched some already. MS already knew the term, yay!

First guess was ” a giant 3M command hook?”

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Nice try, but it will be quite a bit heavier duty than that. 🙂

The journey into D/s is in large part about learning. Learning about each other, learning about types of play and safety, and learning about toys and other items. I will see if she can find the product I was referring to, or one of the other 3 similar items I ran across in my search (but other 3 not on etsy).

If any other readers already know what the answer is, please wait to post until after MS replies to this post.

EDIT: Actually, I have comments set to be moderated, so go ahead and reply if your want to, and I will approve the rest of the replies after MS posts hers.

Thank You,

MD