(Found ’em all on Google.)
(Found ’em all on Google.)
Last night we had a scene. It went smoothly, for a change.
We started with our evening ritual, MS kneeling for me. While she knelt I read her the entire contract while she maintained her posture. She held it the entire time and waited while I retrieved the toys I would be using with her.
We had been talking about protocol earlier, and scene time is high protocol. Hold positions that I place her in, follow instructions to the letter, and speak only when spoken to or with permission. Maintain eye contact as requested.
She kept her positions perfectly, and took what I was dishing out. It was exactly what I wanted, and I was proud of her for handling it so well.
It excited me that she was handling and enjoying the pain, all while maintaining protocol and position. It was flowing smoothly, without any hiccups.
This was the first time everything went smoothly, without any sudden changes in plans or direction. She truly submitted and let me do my thing, to be her Dom, and guide her in the scene. We both benefited from this, as she also liked the uninterrupted action and my Dominance guiding her through. I didn’t have any frustrated thoughts, and my mind didn’t wander to all the possible scenarios that it usually does. I stayed focused on the moment, and my plan for her.
After play I helped her into the bed and fed her fruit snacks and cold water. We discussed the scene a little, and reviewed the pictures, deleting them afterward. She was surprised at how smoothly the scene went when she followed the protocol, and let me do everything without interruption or rushing. She normally tries to change something during a scene, or rushes an activity or the removal of rope. I was incredibly happy with how it all went. We snuggled to sleep, and woke up still happy.
When I started looking into D/s after years of bdsm play, bedroom only D/s looked like the right choice for me and for MS. We started that, and it worked well for a while, and started to seep into a few things in everyday life.
We wrote a contract that included sexual submission and the few distinct items that weren’t bedroom, and tried that out. It was nice, but it wasn’t consistent. Something was off, and we tried hard to figure out what that was.
We thought about other areas that had presented themselves as needing some D/s to help, and we revised the contract to include those as well. Still, something was off, and we were inconsistent. The trouble we were having was figuring out when the rules applied and when they didn’t. We were never able to determine that with enough distinction to be reliable enough to enforce.
I always saw 24/7 as some sort of Master/Slave relationship or TPE. It didn’t sound right for us, but that was based on misinterpretation. It took meeting with some friends who were 24/7 and talking with them about their dynamic. It wasn’t at all what I expected, and it all made more sense to me.
The 24/7 for us wasn’t a M/s or TPE relationship. 24/7 can be anything you make of it, but for us it will allow consistency in everyday life. Our 24/7 includes rules and rituals that apply all the time, not just in the bedroom. Even though we have recently amended our contract again and just started practicing it, we have noticed the difference. We are more consistent and happier in our D/s.
The contract now has rituals for meal time, when we arrive home, the morning before we go to work, and speech protocol. It involves more respect and thinking about what we say. We even have a few things just for fun, like a scheduled spanking night. All in all, we are both doing better in our D/s and we are happier than before. Now we just have to get used to its practice in everyday life until it is second nature.
It is peculiar how one can think that D/s is getting back on track, but be totally wrong. MS and I had renegotiated our contract to reflect how we have grown and changed in our D/s, and started practicing the changes. It was looking up. Before the new contract we tried some things to see what we liked, and incorporated those into the new version. There were changes to the evening and morning rituals, and I was looking forward to them. We also included a specific punishment calculation to be used when rituals were not followed, and some conditions in which the rituals would not be required. It was all set up to work smoothly, and MS was going to do them to make me happy and show me that she was thinking of me and our D/s.
It didn’t work as expected.
For a while we have been testing each other and internalizing the results, with the result being a partial shutdown of real D/s. It may look like D/s outwardly, but the feeling behind it isn’t right. I had grown to expect that the rituals would be performed, and was happy when they were. When MS started to fall off track and not perform them, at first I was disappointed and a little angry. I assigned punishment, but due to life, it accumulated and was rarely carried out. From speaking with MS now, the punishment was also not really a punishment. She ended up liking it (funishment). When I would call her on the lack of ritual, she would respond with something like “why should I? Nothing’s going to happen if I don’t.” That gap in D/s widened and I withdrew some emotionally. I would feel little besides continuing disappointment that she didn’t care about the D/s, and add to the tally. If she is treating it like that, as a set of rules to break for fun because she can get away with it, why is she agreeing to do the ritual for me to make me happy and feed our D/s, then finding any way possible to not do it?
It became more of a verbal D/s, with an accumulation of punishment for the week, and performance of the punishment (didn’t work). Each new breach was added to the tally, and I realistically expected her to break the rules every day and not care. I intended the punishment as a way to help her stay within the ruled, by not wanting to earn one. Without an effective punishment to date, that didn’t work. With that attitude toward D/s from her, I wasn’t getting anywhere punishing or even talking to her. She seemed to be checked out too, with a mentality of “who cares?, nothing is going to happen to me.”
I finally articulated this point to her. She was getting ready for bed, and I suggested she set out my clothes for the next day (a ritual she usually does in the morning). She quoted the exception to enforcement of that ritual, and I asked her: “Are you really looking for ways to get out of doing everything, or did you agree to the ritual to do something for me and make me happy?” She had an odd look on her face, like a horrified introspection, and set out the clothes. She then came to kneel and await her punishment (for previous events). The punishment linked to this part of the story is the second punishment in the next paragraph.
The other night we had a set of punishments, and we talked about it afterward. She said it didn’t feel like a punishment. Later in the week, MS had accumulated another 11 punishments, so I tried again. This time I believe it worked, but it was not without complications. I did finally use the punishments effectively, and made her feel punished. I didn’t get any of my sadist pleasure from that one. I took it slowly enough that she could handle it, and paused a few times to make sure she was OK. She cried a little during the punishment, which was new, but not entirely unexpected. The aftercare, however, was very difficult. I did what I could, and made sure she was OK, but she checked out. She wouldn’t talk to me or open up and discuss the punishment like we usually do. She seemed to be shaken up by the successful punishment.
I was able to get her to open up the next day, and talk about it. She expressed the same thing I had been feeling, that we were checked out, and were just making the motions of D/s. She suggested I write this post to articulate my feelings and observations on the matter. She also said she did not want to earn a punishment like that again (it was effective). We are working on our D/s, and will get back on track emotionally.
She also asked about non-corporal punishment. I am open to the idea, but we will have to see what, if anything, works.
I feel happy and cared for when the rituals are followed. They are designed to make me happy and keep us both in the right frame of mind for D/s. I feel loved, and that you want this too. I want to get back to that place. It will take some introspection, communication, and working together, but I believe we can.
pounded like a pro…
Comes Now MD and for his responses to the interrogatories propounded by MS, answers as follows:
Interrogatory No 1: Is punishment necessary in our dynamic? What do you feel is the role of punishment in our dynamic?
Answer: Yes. Without punishment, there would be no following of rules. You have said in the past, ” nothing’s going to happen, so why should I?” The punishment holds you accountable for when you are feeling lax in your submission. It is something you know you need and have discussed that need with me. It also helps provide structure for the rules.
Interrogatory No. 2: What do you personally get out of punishment?
Answer: It is something to help you stay on track. In that light, I’m happy I can help. On the other hand, I am also a sadist and I do have fun giving it to you harder than usual.
Interrogatory No. 3: What are your thoughts on physical punishment? What about other forms of punishment?
Answer: All we have really tried is physical punishment. I’m still not sure how effective it really is. You tend to start liking some of the intended punishments. Other forms, like writing lines, corner time, etc. may be effective. We will have to try them and find out (not corner time).
Interrogatory No. 4: As I work on submissive speech, I am intrigued by your changing speech. How does Dominant speech differ from Domineering speech? (This is for all you other Doms who read this blog too. Is there ever a time you switch to the latter and get the proverbial kick to the balls?)
Answer:Dominant speech should be commanding and supportive. It should portray your position in the dynamic and convey your wishes to the sub. Domineering speech may be commanding, but is not supportive. It tends to be demeaning or degrading. I have used that on accident before, and did not receive a positive reaction.
Interrogatory No. 5: You have a look of “Sir”-prize when you hear that word outside the bedroom. How do you feel being called “Sir” outside the bedroom?
Answer: I am still getting used to D/s outside the bedroom, and we are still growing in that area. The use of “Sir” is sporadic, so I may be surprised, but happy when it is used.
Interrogatory No. 6: Do you think I am a bad sub?
Answer: No. We ares still learning and growing. No one expects to be perfect at the beginning, and no one may ever be absolutely perfect and well behaved. It is too much fun to break a rule every once in a while.
There we have it, and in less than 30 days.
The Dominant Prompts #1:
Pinpointing an exact time when I first self identified as a Dom is difficult. I would have to say it was definitely after I married MS, but before we really discussed D/s a little over a year ago. I never really thought “hey, I’m a Dom”. It was more of a gradual understanding that I wanted MS to submit to me sexually instead of just playing kinky games when we both felt like it.
I believe love is different in D/s than in a vanilla relationship. In vanilla, it seems to be more limited. Your knowledge of each other is limited. Communication is limited. Your available actions to show how you love each other is limited too. In D/s, more communication is required to understand each other, desires, and limits. Along with that communication comes an opening up to each other, and a greater understanding of emotions. That understanding lets you communicate even more to the other about how you feel and how much you love them. The rituals and actions in D/s also help convey love, as do care and aftercare during and after a scene (if you are the kinky type). There are more avenues to show and deepen your love compared to a vanilla relationship.