For a while our D/s has been taking a back seat and spiraling down into frustration on both sides. It got to a point where neither of us were in a good place, and the D/s became a source of stress and contention. I felt like everything had to be forced or demanded from her. None of the rituals/rules were being followed, and after various attempts at correction, there was no improvement. Instead, the punishments appeared to cause resentment. From MS, I heard “why should I?”, instead of “what should I do?” I was unable to stop the spiral or make progress before it got to the point of argument. I was frustrated that she wasn’t listening to me or accepting any of my contributions or attempts at correction. It seemed to me that she didn’t care about the D/s anymore and just wanted to “Win”.
In the past, I was afraid she would just give up and cancel the contract and D/s along with it. I even handed it to her to cancel on at least one occasion because it seemed like she had given up and no longer wanted to submit.
After the argument and reflection, I needed to make some significant structural changes. First, I cancelled our written contract because I believed it to be a major source of MS’ basis for “winning”. If there are specific rules and rituals delineated in the contract, that is a reference of items that she can fight and win by choosing not to do them and ignoring punishments and attempts at correction.
To take a different approach, I posed this to her: Now that there is no contract for you to win or lose, you have to choose to submit again through your actions and words. Now the question is “what Can I do to submit?” instead of “what can I do to violate the contract and win D/s?”. I will not force her to kneel. I will make it known that it is something I desire in D/s, and that it pleases me, and see if she chooses to submit to make us happy in that area. I will let her know what I want, and she has to choose to submit instead of choosing to fight a specified structure of rules and punishments.
I’m not looking for complete submission or Master/slave or ownership. Even in 24/7 I’m not trying to run then entire house. I am only interested in D/s in specific areas, and most of that is based on my desire to help MS improve or maintain health or lifestyle.
I do admit that I became frustrated and did not react in a civilized manner. I did act like “the South end of a North facing horse” on more than one occasion, and my reacted became less appropriate as the frustration grew. I always welcome communication and questioning from MS, and I look forward to rebuilding the D/s from here. This time we will start with wants and needs, and her choice to submit again. There won’t be anything to win or lose to interfere with the first steps.