Changes

For a while our D/s has been taking a back seat and spiraling down into frustration on both sides. It got to a point where neither of us were in a good place, and the D/s became a source of stress and contention. I felt like everything had to be forced or demanded from her. None of the rituals/rules were being followed, and after various attempts at correction, there was no improvement. Instead, the punishments appeared to cause resentment. From MS, I heard “why should I?”, instead of “what should I do?” I was unable to stop the spiral or make progress before it got to the point of argument. I was frustrated that she wasn’t listening to me or accepting any of my contributions or attempts at correction. It seemed to me that she didn’t care about the D/s anymore and just wanted to “Win”.

In the past, I was afraid she would just give up and cancel the contract and D/s along with it. I even handed it to her to cancel on at least one occasion because it seemed like she had given up and no longer wanted to submit.

After the argument and reflection, I needed to make some significant structural changes. First, I cancelled our written contract because I believed it to be a major source of MS’ basis for “winning”. If there are specific rules and rituals delineated in the contract, that is a reference of items that she can fight and win by choosing not to do them and ignoring punishments and attempts at correction.

To take a different approach, I posed this to her: Now that there is no contract for you to win or lose, you have to choose to submit again through your actions and words. Now the question is “what Can I do to submit?” instead of “what can I do to violate the contract and win D/s?”. I will not force her to kneel. I will make it known that it is something I desire in D/s, and that it pleases me, and see if she chooses to submit to make us happy in that area. I will let her know what I want, and she has to choose to submit instead of choosing to fight a specified structure of rules and punishments.

I’m not looking for complete submission or Master/slave or ownership. Even in 24/7 I’m not trying to run then entire house. I am only interested in D/s in specific areas, and most of that is based on my desire to help MS improve or maintain health or lifestyle.

I do admit that I became frustrated and did not react in a civilized manner. I did act like “the South end of a North facing horse” on more than one occasion, and my reacted became less appropriate as the frustration grew. I always welcome communication and questioning from MS, and I look forward to rebuilding the D/s from here. This time we will start with wants and needs, and her choice to submit again. There won’t be anything to win or lose to interfere with the first steps.

Respect

(This post is related to this one)

The reality of developing D/s with your partner isn’t smooth and effortless like it is portrayed in print. It takes trying and failing, learning from mistakes, reevaluating, communication, and trying something new all over again. Try and try again until you find the right fit, each time analyzing what went wrong and how to improve the next try.

We started 24/7, and it started well. We did the rituals, and MS followed the rules for the most part. Again, it slowly tapered off to the point most of the rituals were not followed, and rules were broken left and right. Each time I tried to enforce them, she said nice things and promised to be better.¬† From there, it seemed like she just didn’t care anymore, again. It seemed like she was playing a role for a few days, then tiring of it.

After one particularly bad night (during which she threw a hair clip at me and blatantly disobeyed me on something that was part of our contract), I took some time to wash the dishes, then came to bed. There we talked about our D/s and what was going wrong. Well, first I tossed the contract and a pen on the bed and asked her if she wanted to cancel it. She could do it right there. If she wanted another one, we could just remove everything she hadn’t done properly, and we would be down to about one page out of six. She refused and said she still wanted it.

At that point, I am totally lost. Everything I try to do, she waves off and doesn’t care about. She deliberately disobeys the contract, and complains about punishments. She says she doesn’t respect me as a Dom yet. There’s nothing I can do about that in the short term, so I will just have to stay the course, be strong, and hopefully she will eventually come to respect me as a Dom. (I appear to be fine on the husband/friend front). At this point all I can do is be her Dom and hope she cooperates and eventually respects me. Its like the age-old: Need job to get experience, need experience to get job. We all somehow muddle through it until we figure out it has already happened.