A Morning to Remember.

Last night was wonderful, and we made progress in our D/s. (See MS’ matching post Here.)

We have been working on our D/s again, this time looking more into what we each need at a basic level. We are both trying to be cognizant of how the other thinks of and perceives things. One realization we had was that the submission/Dominance doesn’t start out perfect, and that behaving and doing the right thing in the dynamic is a good way to start on the right foot and make the D/s better. Challenging it before trying leads to difficulties and failure.

She knelt for me in the proper position, hands behind back, chest out, back straight. I retrieved the paddle and strap from the closet where I keep the toys. Earlier that evening she had earned 20 strokes, and I always give 10 at a time with each implement until the total is complete. We have a ritual for punishment where MS holds the paddle and strap while kneeling, states that she has earned a punishment, and asks me to use those implements to punish her. Part of it is to have a ritual for it, and part is so she affirmatively acknowledges that she has earned what she is about to get. She is submitting to me in that act. In the past she has refused, or it has taken a long time for her to say the words. This time, however, she only wavered a little bit before speaking the words for the ritual and offering the paddle and strap. I was proud of her for doing it correctly, knowing that it was difficult for her to admit that she earned a punishment and to ask for it.

We also recently named some positions (numbers 1-5) for use in play and for D/s in private. I took the paddle and strap offered, and named position 2. That was not the position for punishment, and I sensed her hesitation before she assumed the position. She did it anyway, following my directions. I ran my hands over her body, thinking about what I would do later. I instructed her to assume position 3, for punishment.

During the 20 strokes, I talked to her about what she had done wrong, and how to correct it. She counted each stroke.

After the punishment was complete, I brought her into bed and we watched a movie (well, part of a movie). She fell asleep part way through, so I turned it off. I got up and brought out the cuffs, and placed them on her while she slept. I snuggled up to her and fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke up extra early. I had plans and I wanted to play with MS before work. I carefully removed her underwear and hooked the cuffs together. I raised them above her head and gently licked and sucked on her nipples. This eventually woke her up, and I moved on to the main event. I directed her to assume position 4, and gagged her tightly with a red ballgag. She looked so hot with the gag straps digging into the corners of her mouth. I took her from behind. She was enthusiastic and moved with me, helping me go deep and hard. She was in a frenzy.

After I finished I instructed her to remain in the same position while I cleaned up and went to fetch a few more toys. I brought the flogger and a pair of clothespins. I used the flogger on her back and bottom, varying the stroke intensity. I also swung it down between her legs to hit her pussy and clit. The little jumps that caused were beautiful.

I moved her to position 5, and showed her the clothespins. I reminded her where they were going, and she looked away like she usually does. I love to see the effect in her eyes when I clip clothespins or clamps on her nipples. I can see the erotic pain in her eyes and she gets to see mine while I inflict that pain. She moaned with painful pleasure and I moved down to taste what is mine. (Her, in case you were wondering, we use condoms). I licked and sucked and worked my tongue down there until she was ready to explode, then gave her permission to cum. As she did so, I quickly removed the clothespins from her nipples, causing a new round of pain as the blood rushed back to her nipples. She came hard and I kept going until I thought she had had enough.

After cleaning up a little, I snuggled around her and we both fell back to sleep.

I was impressed with MS’ work on submission last night and this morning. I know it is difficult for her to wake up early and function. On a normal day before this hard work, She would not have appreciated being woken up for any reason. Her efforts and performance are a testament to how much she wants this with me, and I look forward to our continued growth.

You are wonderful and amazing. I am proud of you, MS.

Explanation

Bedroom is where the D/s started. It was kinky sex that became more. It evolved to include aspects of control other than physical bonds. I wanted control and MS wanted to give up control and just be. Her everyday life was stressful and the bedroom D/s allowed her to let go and not have to make decisions, all while feeling amazing. For me, I got off on the control. I could do everything I wanted to do (within the limits of course), and I was able to try out my wildest fantasies with her as my wife/lover/fuck toy/personal porn star. That is still the most amazing part, and our likes in that area match up very well. She likes pain during sex, and I like to give pain. She likes to give up control and I like to take control. It goes on from there.

Others introduced us to the idea of 24/7. Some of it was reading, some online chat. We didn’t look at it as a master/slave type thing, but more of a set of rules and rituals that also had practical value in our lives. I don’t want to be king of the house or have the last say in everything. I don’t want a relationship where I’m in charge of everything and have to make all minute decisions such as what to eat, what clothes everyone will wear, what we will do that day, etc.

What I do want is a structure that helps both of us. It should be narrowly tailored to avoid the “I’m in charge of everything” situation, while still providing for the specific things we each need. For myself, I need to know that MS is safe, healthy, less stressed, respectful, and thinking of me/us/our D/s. I also want to hep her in any way I can. While much D/s discussion seems to be about what the sub does for the Dom, a large part of the D/s is what the Dom does for the sub. It is not as detailed or exciting, but it is always there in a good relationship. Many discussions gloss over it and leave it at “protecting her” or “taking care of her”.

Safety: MS travels for her job, and we both work during the day. In addition, she sometimes shops separately or runs errands. She will usually give me an expected return time and let me know where she will be. Sometimes the times are completely off, or the plans change without notice to me. When it comes time that she should have arrived home, and she hasn’t, I worry. Accidents can happen, vehicles can malfunction, and I need to know that she is safe. She is everything to me and I just need to know that she isn’t stranded, hurt, or anything else that’s bad. To this end, I need to be able to contact her and get updates, and communicate with her to ensure that she is OK. If she needs help, she needs to be able to contact me and let me know. If she is scheduled to arrive at 7, and its 7:30, then 8:00, then 9:00, and she hasn’t arrived, every minute my worry grows. If she hasn’t charged her phone or simply ignores it (“oh, it was on silent”), I have no way to stop worrying. When I worry like that, I can’t get anything done, and I am grumpy when she gets home for putting me through that. To me, it is so simple to keep your phone charged and make sure it isn’t on silent or ignore, but it is somehow much more complicated and prone to failure for her. D/s with a rule in this area gives structure and helps me hold her accountable. Without that she just doesn’t care enough about my worrying or needing to know she is safe to do anything about it.

Health: This are is more tailored to diet and exercise. with general health (medical), there is no problem taking care of her or taking prescriptions, etc. Diet and exercise are an are MS has constantly struggled with (yoyo dieting, not sticking with it, making excuses, excessive snacking and soda, etc). This is also an area I can help her with using D/s. Left to her own devices, a diet is something to play with for a week and give up on. When I am given charge over the diet within D/s, I can guide her to eat foods within the diet and veto excessive sweets and snacking. This is more an area of “what does she need help with?” instead of something I want to exert control over for control’s sake. I am happy when I can help her stay on track, achieve a goal, and feel happy with herself for the achievement.

Stress reduction: MS’ job is stressful, and so is dealing with family. When she gets home I want her to be happy and reduce her stress. to this end, I do as much as possible around the house to reduce that stress and take the load off when I can. D/s is a minor help in this area. We have a ritual for when she/we get home that helps ground her and make her think about being present, and one that helps her shed her work clothes and change into something comfortable. It is simple, but reduces some work stress. A less stressed sub is a happier sub, and a happier sub is what a Dom likes to see. Any improvement I can make shows me that I am taking care of her and improving her mental health.

Respect: Honestly, left to her own devices, MS is rude, demanding, disrespectful, and expects to get her way in everything. She will issue commands, override or not listen to others, and do things she knows others don’t like. She wants to win at everything and is willing to say or do just about anything to make that happen. D/s helps control this. I need to feel respected. This is a big thing for me. I am generally a quiet person, but I expect my wife/sub to listen to what I have to say and speak to me in a respectful manner. I try to do the same the other way as well. Lack of respect impedes further communication and frustrates the receiving party. D/s gives a set of rules and expectations (and enforcement) to temper her behavior and bring respect back in. She is to use “Sir” as a verbal cue of respect, and is not to issue commands or say rude things. Generally it is so she will be civil and ask for what she wants. She will be punished for hitting me or throwing things, and she will be called down for ignoring me or being dismissive. All of this has been a big problem in the past and has only gotten better with 24/7 D/s.

Thinking of me/relationship/D/s: MS gets focused on her work and other activities, and tends to forget everything else. This includes our relationship, me, and D/s. In order to bring presence and mindfulness back into play, our 24/7 has rules for contacting me throughout the day (also safety), and some small rituals in the morning and evening to remind her of the D/s and start and end the day in the right frame of mind. This also helps MS’ need for structure. Without structure she claims she doesn’t feel D/s and gives up on the rest of it. When I come home and she has done her rituals, or get up in the morning and she does the morning one, I know she is thinking about it and trying to make it work. If she shows me she doesn’t care to do those things, I question her desire to have the D/s and it devolves from there.

The 24/7 aspect of it gives it consistent structure. If it was part-time, there would always be a question of when it applied and when it didn’t, and chaos would ensue when she doesn’t think it applied quite yet, and I expected it to apply already. She is already prone to making excuses and trying to get her way in everything, so 24/7 eliminates any question of timing of the applicability of rules. If they are always on, the question doesn’t exist.

Taking on the responsibility of being the Dom is necessary for all of the above to work. It is extra work, but I am happy to do it to make the rest happen.

MS has shown submissiveness in the bedroom, and expressed her pleasure in making me happy. She has also expressed her need to lat me take control of certain things to help her in areas she can’t cope with completely herself. Her submissiveness, albeit less outside the bedroom, makes it all work with my Dominance. Bedroom is still the area I enjoy the most, but the 24/7 part enables me to take care of her and ensure that she lets me. Any amount of responsibility is worth it if I can make sure she is safe, happy, healthy, less stressed, and present and respectful in our relationship.

I will pose the same questions in return to MS:

Why do you want a dynamic outside the bedroom?   Why do you want to do this 24/7? Why is it important to you?  Why do you care if I am Dominant?  Why do you want to be my Submissive?  What do you get from it other than responsibility?  Why would you want that responsibility?

I will also add:

You keep saying you want to feel my dominance. At the same time, when I show more dominance you fight it and try to break all the rules/destroy the D/s. What exactly do you mean when you say you want more? Do you really want more (contrary to your actions and responses)? Please give examples instead of a general “more… more.”

You also want all responses in writing immediately, and don’t seem to listen to my verbal answers. Why is writing it down so important, and why is it more important that you get the answer immediately than receiving it after other planned activities/everyday life?

Responses

MS posted a set of questions for me. It is easiest for me to quote her post here, and respond to it on the same page:

Question for Sir

Sir, there are times when you have lost me to “vanilla.”  That is the best way I know to describe the many distractions that pull me away from our dynamic.  I am a non-traditional submissive in that I am independent and Dominant in my career.  I enjoy that Dominance and get a high from it.

I need to feel your Dominance more consistently, Sir.  I crave it and when I don’t get it, I act up.  It then becomes a game…how much can I get away with, how much bad behavior and how many rude comments you don’t notice, how much punishment I can seduce you out of, how much covert/overt rudeness I can justify and get away with.

I intended to be good today, but I have accumulated so much punishment.  I much prefer other activities to punishment.  Can I entice you to abandon the punishment and have fun instead?  It’ll be so much more entertaining and enjoyable.

We can leave the 24/7 lifestyle stuff behind and still continue being kinky in the bedroom.  Why do you want a dynamic outside the bedroom?   Why do you want to do this 24/7? Why is it important to you?  Why do you care if I am submissive?  Why do you want to be my Dominant?  What do you get from it other than responsibility?  Why would you want that responsibility?

When you say you need to feel my dominance, I increase the dominant contact and enforcement of the contract. At the same time, your behavior gets worse, and you seem to try to break every rule possible and complain that you get punished or try to evade the punishment. How is that being submissive on your part?

You have been rude and have had bad behavior recently, and you are not getting out of it this time. Your bottom will pay for it. If you intended to be good today, you would have been good instead of continuing the bad behavior. I will not give in to manipulation so you can avoid punishment and think you can get away with everything.

Outside the bedroom, D/s helps me take care of you and maintain a better household atmosphere. We aren’t TPE, so the D/s only extends to specifically defined areas. I take help you with your diet, with maintaining contact throughout the day for safety, and with maintaining respect in the home. I care that you are submissive because you are. It is part of you and you need that help/control. I am your Dominant and I take care of you where you need it. When I have met my responsibility and helped you/took care of you, It makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I need to know you are safe and well and being part of it all.

You want this too. Why do you try to break every rule and manipulate me? It is destructive. It takes away from the fun time and doesn’t help anyone.

TDP 33

…All relationships require continued fortification. One of the many ways to fortify a relationship is to ensure neither of you take one another for granted.

  • How do you show your gratitude to your submissive for the service he/she provides?

I tend show my gratitude by doing things for her to help her reduce stress, such as cleaning parts of the house before she gets home, preparing her breakfast and lunch, or by making/buying a treat such as a sweet or a new coloring book. I also show my gratitude verbally if something out of the ordinary happens. When I am happy there is also more kinky sex and less punishment.

  • What aspects of your D/s relationship are you most grateful for?

I am most grateful for the respect she shows me and the submissiveness during sex.

  • If you are a couple that found D/s later, what changes in your relationship are you most thankful for?

I am most thankful for the changes in speech and respect. Before D/s she would ignore me or dismiss me, or override me. Now it doesn’t happen as often.