D/s has suffered and lost in the face of real life, stress, kids, work, and more. There isn’t enough time in the day to do everything we need to do, which leaves no time for us and D/s. One of us is always tired, sick, or taking care of the kids.
This round of suffering and giving up follows after the recent election. Each time we try to get back on track and revive the D/s, only to let it fall flat. The first few days are great, leading into days where nothing is done, and both of us think the other is not trying and doesn’t care.
Each time it starts with en event or stress. This time, it was the presidential election. MS was talking to our daughters about Trump and the opinions he has voiced regarding women. She told me that right now, in this environment, she has to be strong, and she didn’t think D/s would fit with that. She asked me for time to think about it. I agreed, like I always do, and gave her time to contemplate it. We grew apart while I was waiting for her to decide, and now it has gotten to the point where the (non-D/s) relationship isn’t as it should be, and walls have gone up. Walls have gone up on both sides. I want and need her as my sub, but it is always her choice. I am hurt when she withdraws her submission for whatever the reason of the day is, and it is hard to trust her when she says she wants it back later. In my view, she has given it up many times for many reasons. If we get back into it, what’s to stop her from doing this all over again and hurting me again? When it is gone it is a void, and I have a hard time connecting and allowing myself to hope for anything. Once it is given up, I don’t have the Dom status to continue the D/s. I can’t maintain the relationship alone, and that’s what it feels like I am trying to do in these D/s valleys.
Our walls and responses manifest differently. MS starts to do bratty and mean things to try to get a reaction, then says “we’re not doing D/s, so who cares, what are you going to do about it?” It is accompanied by a refusal to communicate, and a lack of intimacy and physical contact.
I shut down, ignore things she does to annoy me, and lose my desire for intimacy.
Both of our reactions together make life miserable, and we usually try D/s again, eventually. It is accompanied by hesitancy on both sides. “What if the other messes this up again? Where is the leadership? Where is the submission? Why should we try again when it has failed so many times and I will be hurt again when it fails again?”
This pattern leads me to a conclusion. I need the D/s. MS needs the D/s. We keep coming back to it, and it makes us happy and fulfills needs. As her Dom, I need to reject any half assed “break to think” from D/s, and push through. I need to maintain it and keep her along with me on the right path. I know she needs it, and I will care for her by providing it even when she has doubts. I will provide the leadership and structure she needs to submit.
marrieddominant 
MS and I have several things in common, or at least we did. I have no doubt that her bratty behavior is her wrong-thinking attempt to push you to make her feel like you are Dominating her. However, what she hasn’t figured out yet is, submission is actually the strongest position in the dynamic. I would bet she wants you to make her feel submissive, and that will NEVER work. I know, because I’ve been there, done that. You can continue to show your dominance by making requests, ignoring her bratty behavior and finding your own Dominance, even when she is not involved because just like you can’t make her feel submissive, she can’t make you feel Dominant. I’m not saying to get angry or physical, just set your goals and stand your ground. She will either learn to submit, or do without. If she truly loves the submission, I have no doubt which she will choose.
As for suspending your D/s because of Trump, I am afraid that is the absolute WORSE choice she could make for your daughter. I too have a daughter that I have spoken to about the idiotic things that he has said. I have told her that no matter how he governs or what he says, it won’t change our core beliefs about being kind, caring, compassionate, accepting, loving and giving people. NOBODY can do that, especially some egotistical, narcissistic, ill-informed, back-ass wards asshat.
Of course, take everything I say as nothing more than the opinion of a partially informed observer. Trust me when I say I understand that there are SO MANY different levels and caveats to your story that I don’t know and shouldn’t know about. I just know that I have struggled through some of the same things and these are the conclusions I have come to. I have no doubt that my opinions will continue to change as I continue to grow and learn. I just hope they might shed the slightest new light on what you are going through. I wish you both nothing but the absolute best as you continue your journey, no matter the direction you travel.
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Your conclusion is correct. You do it or you don’t
This on/off is a form of topping from the bottom in my humble opinion
Hugs to both of you. And to you, stay strong. 😀
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While I can’t obviously speak for your wife, this-> “As her Dom, I need to reject any half assed “break to think” from D/s, and push through. I need to maintain it and keep her along with me on the right path. I know she needs it, and I will care for her by providing it even when she has doubts. I will provide the leadership and structure she needs to submit.” is absolutely true for me and for many of my friends.
Being a submissive/dominant is ‘easy’ when life is easy, the true test if you will, happens when life goes off the rails. For myself, that is the time I need dominance more than ever~ even if it appears outwardly not to be the case. I try to explain to my husband that when he is dominant in those situations, he is my anchor. His dominance keeps me from ‘floating’ away. Floating away of course can look differently in each individual, but for me the b*tch comes out. I don’t like that person, but she weighs me down, when I don’t have my anchor in place.
I think the cycle you describe is much more common than not. I believe many tire of writing about it, or fear writing about it, but I know in the personal circles I run in it happens. It happens to newbies and veterans alike. How long in between and for how long it lasts seems to be the only difference that comes with experience.
Best of luck to you both, and may the upswing last longer this time around.
willie
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I can hear your pain, hers as well in her post. You obviously love one another. . .I think your on the money with taking the helm and not allowing breaks. . I have no doubt you’ll(both of you) figure it out.
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Having read both of your posts and the accompanying responses, i tend to see it as Cinn does– topping from the bottom. That said, ms’s need to cope (read control) with the stresses of work and life are weakening her ability to submit to you because she needs to control something. At least that’s how it looks from the outside. I do agree with the others here who have said it’s up to you to push through it as her Dominant. Sending wishes that your dynamic finds its balance again soon. 💜
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MD, I think you hit upon a misconception MS has mentioned to me several times. She feels that being a submissive indicates a lack of strength and power for the sub. This is an issue I think you both need to talk about. It is a reoccurring theme in your break downs. It is completely untrue, but exploring why she is struggling with this idea, might uncover some issues to examine.
Just as her submission should not be predicated upon your displays of dominance, neither should your dominance be based upon her submission. I agree that you must be the constant. This kind of consistency will do more, in my opinion, to demonstrate that she can trust you than any words or specific acts can. It will take time. Be encouraged.
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I wanted to thank you and MS for writing such honest and open posts. These sorts of struggles are ones which I think we all go through and finding your way back to where you want to be can be difficult. I hope that you are able to work through this quickly and get back on track.
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Strangely enough I was going to contact you after your wife’s post and before you wrote yours. Her cry was a familiar sound of late in our relationship; not entirely mirror image, similar all the same. It is amazing how quickly and wide a gap can grow in a D/s relationship. There is certainly a feeling of loss and dare I say it, bereavement. It’s that loss of control on both sides. I felt unable to initiate a rebuild or reset through fear that I was paying lip service to fix a problem. In reality there is always a desire to have a knee jerk reaction, it’s built into men to fix things rather than listen. I’m still guilty of of listening to the first 20 seconds of a conversation then phasing into problem solving mode. It must be annoying! However, our recent trip-up in our relationship resulting in me turning off the fix it mode and opened my ears. It was a lot to take in. I was failing to meet her emotional needs and as result the physical desire lost its way.
Lying here now typing this response, she is fast asleep close next to me. Tonight she spoke, I listened, thought about her pressures of life and made suggestions. We are closer tonight than we have been for a couple of weeks. No whips, chains or butt plugs required. That’s tomorrow!!
If you fancy an offline chat; hislordship.uk@gmail.com.
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Not totally sure of what to say for once. This is an amazing list of responses. They have all made great points. Like them, my comments are only based on revelations, hunches and experience.
How long would you ride down the road looking in the mirror with your hands off the wheel? Leadership involves every moment just as driving does so your hunch is right. Let go of the wheel and the sub knows it about as quickly as a car starting to veer without a hand on the wheel.
(I hope you hear the following in its intended tone.) It’s your life, your relationship and your family, drive it. Daily. You can be sick in bed and be in charge. My grandfather lay in bed near death giving orders and folks were heading out to do them. Clean up the chaos of life and construct a schedule that works for y’all. That may mean the kid is in one less thing but home with a parent or the gym sees less use because you walk together. Take control of her life and be the hand on the families neck, guiding all to safety, peace and harmony. (The preceding is meant in a kind, loving, fatherly way v domineering a-hole screaming at folks.) The act of submitting & following on her part and the change in reality a month out will probably feed you both and create a much more stable place for the child. This act as a whole puts you in the postion of leader. How you exercise that power behind closed doors is merely icing on the cake.
Let me know if you have questions or comments. I don’t want this ongoing negative cycle to cause harm.
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I think you are right on target. Take control so that she feels like you are her safety net and she relinquishes her need to control.
Great reasoning through a hard process.
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